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Funny Men Put Downs :- What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

#430
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Sep 1, 2010 07:39 PM - Men Jokes - by Liza

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MORE GREAT QUOTES: - Have no idea who said these but they are good for a laugh... My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can. "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

#429
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Aug 31, 2010 08:39 PM - Funny Quotes - by Fred

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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

#426
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Aug 27, 2010 09:12 AM - Funny Jokes - by stoned

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One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

#385
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Aug 20, 2010 12:13 AM - Lawyer Jokes - by rolex

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The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

#336
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Aug 11, 2010 10:40 PM - Kids Jokes - by Irving

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George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side." Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?" The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

#335
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Aug 11, 2010 10:38 PM - Funny Jokes - by George

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Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?

#327
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Jul 26, 2010 12:31 AM - Stupidity - by Vince

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A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

#326
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Jul 26, 2010 12:29 AM - Kids Jokes - by shelley

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